I began to suspect I was losing my marbles somewhere between apologising for a tone I didn’t use and rewriting my own memories like a disgraced politician revising their memoirs. I’d say, calmly, “That hurt my feelings.” He’d say, breezily, “You’re being dramatic.” And suddenly I was Googling Am I dramatic? at 1:14am, as if drama were a diagnosable skin condition.
This is how it starts. Not with shouting or slammed doors or anything you could neatly explain to a friend over wine. It starts with a feeling, thin, slippery, hard to pin down, that something is slightly off. That your inner compass has gone funny. That you used to trust your own perceptions and now you need a second opinion just to feel annoyed. Welcome to the slow, unglamorous unravelling known as gaslighting.
So what is gaslighting, actually?
Gaslighting is not “we had different memories of an argument” or “he disagreed with me once.” It’s more insidious than that. It’s the repeated undermining of your reality until you start outsourcing your own judgment.
It sounds like “That never happened.” “You’re imagining things.” “You’re too sensitive.” “Everyone thinks you’re overreacting.” (Everyone, incidentally, has not been consulted.)
Over time, the effect is cumulative. You stop trusting your feelings because they keep being returned to sender. You second-guess your reactions. You apologise pre-emptively. You arrive at arguments with footnotes, timestamps, and a PowerPoint presentation—still to be told you’ve misunderstood.
The most dangerous part? It rarely feels dramatic. There’s no villain monologue. Just a quiet erosion of self-trust, like waves wearing down a cliff until one day you’re standing there thinking, Was I always this unsure of myself, or did someone help me get here?
Photography: Cherish Yourself
When every disagreement ended in an apology I didn’t understand, and how losing faith in your own feelings can feel normal — until it very much doesn’t.
When does it cross the line?
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: not all gaslighting is done by moustache-twirling narcissists who read psychology blogs for sport. Sometimes it comes from emotionally immature people who can’t tolerate discomfort, accountability, or the idea that they might be wrong. But intent doesn’t cancel impact. It becomes problematic when: You consistently feel confused after conversations. You feel smaller, less confident, less you. You’re more focused on managing their reactions than expressing your own feelings. You start narrating your own life with a question mark.
A healthy relationship might include misunderstanding. An unhealthy one leaves you feeling like you need permission to trust your own brain.
And if you’re wondering whether you’re “allowed” to be hurt—if you’re mentally drafting a defence case for your own emotions—that’s already your answer.
The emotional hangover
Gaslighting doesn’t just make you doubt the relationship. It makes you doubt yourself long after it’s over. You replay conversations. You cringe at memories. You worry you were too much, too needy, too everything. But here’s the thing no one tells you losing your marbles in a relationship is often a sign you were giving them away, one by one, to keep the peace. Your intuition didn’t disappear. It was just spoken over.
The hopeful bit (yes, really)
Recovery doesn’t arrive in a cinematic burst of clarity. It’s quieter than that. It looks like noticing how calm you feel when no one is arguing with your feelings. It’s the relief of saying “I remember it this way” and not being contradicted. It’s the radical pleasure of trusting your own reactions again. One day, you’ll tell the story without the self-blame. You’ll laugh at how hard you tried to be reasonable in a situation that thrived on your confusion. You’ll recognise the strength it took to leave—or even just to name what was happening. And you’ll realise this, you weren’t losing your marbles. You were waking up. And the best part? Your mind, contrary to popular opinion—was never broken. It was just waiting for you to come back and claim it.
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All opinions and observations are written reflections that are personal and subjective, not factual claims or advice. If you are struggling with your mental health, please seek support from a doctor or qualified health professional.
©CherishYourself 2026
